i've just begun reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and it's making me think. i'm about to post something quite personal in the hope that some of you might see if this resonates with you as well. ladies, i encourage to get this book and take a look at it. i'm only on chapter two and i've already gotten so much out of it! i've done a lot of work on myself--seeking ways to be more emotionally healthy and depending more on God to get me through life. now i'm seeking to do more than just "get through life!" to preface, the book discusses that there are 3 desires woven into a woman's heart: the desire for romance, the desire to be part of a great shared adventure, and the desire to have her beauty unveiled. here are some personal thoughts on the book and a closer look into who i want to be. sorry if this is too serious, but i wanted to be more open in 2010, have more accountability! so, here goes...

The adventure part has always been part of my life since childhood. Ever since I can remember I yearned to be part of something big, to play a role that was needed…to be the warrior that saved the day. I also see that in my children…my girls want to be warrior princesses!!! The book encourages us to look at the things we like and dislike to learn more about what God has designed us to be. I watched The Count of Monte Cristo and loved it again. Partly because the changes that Edmond goes through to be better at everything resonate with me…whenever I watch a film in which the hero goes through major changes to become the man or woman he/she needs to be to save the day, I just beam! I feel like the last few years, God’s been grooming me like that. Adversity brings a dependence on Him and I learn certain skills that I never would have otherwise! This summer for example, I learned much about homebuilding and tools that I likely wouldn’t have picked up if not for necessity! Today, the girls and I watched Disney’s Pocahontas. What a woman she was in this portrayal! Even if she never really loved John Smith that way in reality, she still put herself between him and certain death! And in this version she’s vibrant, courageous, and strong! I want to be like that…to search out what’s “just around the river bend for me!” I’m so tired of being afraid of life, of fear itself! I fear for myself, for my husband, for my children. I want them to be fearless and strong, and yet I don’t know how to model that. I want so badly to run out and show them what it means to love openly without fear! I have no clue how to do that. I don’t want to just be safe in my little made up world. I don’t want to take risks that put myself or my family in unnecessary danger—I’m not stupid, but I do want to be braver with my hand and my heart! While there are definite times that I want to be rescued (mostly from the demands and stress of life), I also want to be the rescuer! I want to lead the charge having mastered the sword and my mount to ride in and conquer whatever evil is rampaging that day. I want to be more disciplined so that I can attack with strength and speed, not just defend myself from some unseen foe.
The part that I was struggling with is this idea of beauty to unveil. I’ve been told I’m beautiful, attractive, pretty, or cute. That has come to mean not a whole lot at all. I’ve been told that my voice is beautiful. But again, it doesn’t mean much. I’ve learned that unless I was using whatever outward beauty I have to get what I want, it just had no place in my life. However, I’m thinking now that I was wrong. I don’t want to be just another pretty face. I want to be stunning! Not for the way I look, but for the way I AM! I want to live my life in a way that makes others hold their breath and breathe easily around me at the same time. I want to be a servant that makes room for other women, men, and children to open up. I want to be a safe place for my family and friends. I want to be one who can be trusted, to encourage others to follow their dreams and talents, to love unconditionally. I want to walk with my friends through adversity, to uplift them, to cry when they cry and celebrate with them. I want to invest in my children part of myself, my battles, my joys that I might leave a legacy. I want to be remembered as one who loved fully and completely, fought for the right things, and encouraged others to live and love deeply!
Wow! Had no idea how much I wanted those things til now. As I write this I’m in tears over the prospect that I might or might not reach those goals. It’s a new life mission I guess. I know that I cannot do these things apart from God, nor does He want me to. I need to explore this further and begin to wrap my mind around how I can go about living this way. I think the stress of life has put me in a place where I’ve barely been able to focus on the moment. I need to have a better vision in spite of the stress, get my rest when I can, and be ready in any circumstance to not only do what it takes to keep moving forward but to move forward with a life full of color and strength!
So, let this be my war cry:
“Never let it be said that I was ever dull, for life is never boring! It is hard and tries to crush us if we let it! But I will not be harsh or crushed by life’s weight because I do not strive in myself! I choose to lean on the strength of my God, my rock and my salvation from whence my help comes! And I will be courageous on this adventure! I will be one who will be pursued and romanced because I am strong and beautiful, even in my weakness! I choose to love boldly and give high grace to all! I will speak life and not death! I will do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God!”